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Unimportant Questions about Movies and TV Shows I Haven’t Seen

You can’t be everywhere, and you can’t experience everything. Inevitably you’ll find yourself in a social setting and people will start talking about a film or TV show that you haven’t seen. The same goes for music, really, but for today’s purposes I’ll limit this to video-based entertainment. Nonetheless, you inevitably feel uncomfortable in your ignorance, so you laugh along and pretend you know what the heck is going on. Then, after a couple of uncomfortable minutes, you slink away in search of another beer or some Doritos® while everyone else shares in-jokes about what they’ve all seen.

The challenge here is that I’ll list a few titles of movies or TV shows that - at best - I’ve seen for a few minutes on mute while sweating through an elliptical routine at the gym, and at worst haven’t watched at all. The latter assumes I’ve seen a photo, poster or advertisement for it, otherwise I wouldn’t know to list it, right? After each title, I’ll try to guess the basic premise of the work. You can tell me if I got these right or wrong. Here we go:

  1. Footloose (Movie): Kevin Bacon stars as some sort of oil rig worker or ditch digger in Texas who loves to dance.
  2. Friends (TV): ‘90’s show about six(?) people (three women and three men?), who live in New York City and have a profound sense of entitlement. The majority of their time is taken up with petty challenges, and doing actual “work” is just a sidebar. They are also all confused about whether any of them belong together in a romantic relationship. Tragic.
  3. Empire (TV): A patriarchal-type owns a humongous hip-hop record label, but is distracted by materialism, champaign, bratty artists, a spiteful nuclear family and the mob.
  4. The Blair Witch Project (Movie): A bunch of people go into the woods with a video camera and get scared by birds and bats and the wind and they completely freak out and leave their camera behind. They all join an ashram and swear off videotaping forever. Some lucky person walking their dog finds a free camera.
  5. Curb Your Enthusiasm (TV): A show about a guy who’s grumpy all the time and complains about everything. It’s sort of like someone recorded you during a day in your life and made a series based on it.
  6. Say Yes To The Dress (TV): Brides-to-be who can’t make up their mind are shown, like, one-bazillion wedding gowns, and starving dress designers make desperate pleas for their creation to be chosen. The groom is just a prop who looks anguished or annoyed the entire time.
  7. Gangs of New York (Movie): It’s set in 1800’s New York City. It’s either Daniel Day-Lewis or someone who looks like him wearing a rugby shirt and a funny hat and he beats the crap out of everyone except Leonardo DiCaprio, who is pretty by comparison and wears hipper clothes.
  8. Roswell (TV): Presumably a nod to the mysterious UFO landing site in New Mexico. A bunch of mysterious teenagers are thought to be extraterrestrials. In reality, their just a goth band.
  9. The Real Housewives Of Wherever (TV): A group of entitled and spiteful individuals are forced to live on the same block and socialize everyday whether they want to or not. They fight all the time for no discernible reason.
  10. Snakes On A Plane (Movie): I have no idea what this one is about.

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Honest and objective observations on the "vast wasteland." Helps explains Trump victory and lower PBS ratings.
Honest and objective observations on the "vast wasteland." Helps explains Trump victory and lower PBS ratings.

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